


Piece by Piece

by talluvx



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Dancing, Depression, Eventual Happy Ending, Exhaustion, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, I Tried, Injury, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi-centric, OT13 - Freeform, Overworking, Platonic Cuddling, Self-Destruction, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Stress Relief, Team as Family, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, YOU WON'T REGRET IT, don't destroy yourself before you get there, have hope, side note listen to better days by superm, the sun will shine through, there are better days ahead
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:41:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25993885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/talluvx/pseuds/talluvx
Summary: What do you do when the one thing that pulls you together is what eventually makes you break apart?[Kwon Soonyoung]
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Everyone
Comments: 13
Kudos: 58





	1. out of order

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts are out of order, a broken puzzle with too many pieces to even begin with this mess.

The life of an idol isn’t easy, but Soonyoung wouldn’t trade it for the world. He wouldn’t trade this life with his twelve other brothers for anything. Being with the other members of Seventeen, he doesn’t think that he could ever be more loved.

But the life of an idol isn’t easy. With as much love as they get from Carat, antis seem to send just as much hate back. And it was okay, because they were together as thirteen brothers against the world with a fanbase to support them, and they could endure everything together.

And when it gets too much, Soonyoung has his members to rely on. Or, that’s what it’s supposed to be. Soonyoung is a happy person, and everyone knows it. Hoshi is one of the members that can make everyone laugh. Granted, everyone in Seventeen seems to be a professional comedian, but Hoshi is just a different kind of energetic. He’s happy, and has his own quirks with his boundless energy and endless tiger agenda. Hoshi makes people smile. But sometimes, the hate he gets with people attacking Hoshi destroys the Soonyoung he is inside, the kid that he was before he debuted or joined Seventeen or Pledis or became a trainee, the Soonyoung he was when dancing was just a passion, a dream, not a job.

When it gets hard, he’s supposed to rely on his members, no matter how big or small it may seem. They’re a team, a family, and they always rely on each other. He knows that. He can’t count how many times he’s repeated the same thing to his dongsaengs, or gone to his fellow 96-liners, or his hyungs. But something inside his mind has Soonyoung convinced that this time around, he has to endure it alone.

Especially since it doesn’t even seem like a big deal. Nothing significant has happened except for the normal antis who seem to hate on their group no matter what, and he knows not to look at hate comments. They all know it. But it’s like the endless stream of hate and nitpicking has finally built up enough that it stays a constant thought in his mind, and Soonyoung can’t rid himself of it. Like it’s a constant nagging in the back of his head that his best isn’t the best anymore, and he isn’t needed anymore, and there are enough members that he’s easily replaceable, and that he’s just plain annoying, and that-

Soonyoung stops himself. He knows he can’t go down this path again. The doubts are piling, and everything seems so out of control, but at the same time it’s so small and insignificant that he shouldn’t even be bothered. Everyone has doubts, so why should he burden others with his? And there’s a little voice in the back of his head calling himself a hypocrite for hiding his troubles, but he ignores it. He can just ignore it. Ignore everything. Get everything back in control. Because he has to. But does he really? It’s not that big of a deal, and he should just be able to deal with it. It’s small, tiny, way too meaningless to even bother himself, so how could he face his brothers with something so pathetic? It’s all normal hate anyways-

Soonyoung forces his train of thought to stop again. Since when was hating people even normalized? He understands that he’s an idol, so societal expectations are different, but he’s human. Him, his members, and every idol out there are people. Real people who get affected by the very real hate people seem to have on them for just existing. And somewhere inside his heart, Soonyoung really does take pity on the people who seem to hold so much hate in their own hearts, and he’s come to terms that all he can do is be a good person and make music with his members. People will have their opinions either way.

But just because he’s accepted it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t get to him. Well, Soonyoung thought that it meant that it shouldn’t get to him, but he discovered otherwise. It really isn’t that big of a deal. Except it won’t stop pounding in his head, and it’s like all the hate he’s ever received just decides to make itself known to him now, and there’s a pressure he can feel building up in his brain.

And Soonyoung’s mind battles itself, going back and forth between giving in to the negativity that seems to plague himself, or sticking with what he knows to be true. Haters are just expressing their opinion, and that shouldn’t mess with him. Except it is, because that means there are real people out there who have found enough reason to dedicate so much of their time to bringing him down, real people just like him. 

And it’s easy to recite what he knows in his head. He knows he’s healthy- dancing for hours almost every single day can testify to that. Eating healthy can testify to that. He’s a dancer, an athlete, not overweight. He knows this. And every member gets comments about their weight. But it bothers Soonyoung when it seems like it shouldn’t, and that makes him spiral downwards and out of control even more.

Soonyoung knows that the criticism of their choreographies is just criticism, and he trusts his members when they tell him that every move is amazing, but it isn’t enough. Something in his head needs more validation to be able to call himself Hoshi, leader of Seventeen’s Performance Team.

But so much hate damages a person, and it damages Soonyoung enough to the point where he can’t even look at himself in the mirror without seeing shame and disappointment and failure and something too ugly to know the meaning of. And he sees the empty bed of Vernon in the shared bedroom, and he knows he can’t risk a breakdown in front of him, not when he’s supposed to come back from recording soon.

And the voice comes back, calling Soonyoung a hypocrite, and maybe that voice is there because he knows it’s true. He wishes he could just run across the hall into the room of his hyung, and have Jeonghan hold him and let him cry until the pressure building up in his head slowly trickles away, but he needs to deal with this alone. He has to. These tiny doubts aren’t enough to be called struggles, aren’t enough to bring to anyone’s attention. Deep in his mind, he can hear the nagging voice that he should just let himself cry, even if it’s by himself, huddled in the dark of his room, with restrained tears and sobs muffled by his pillow so his roommate won’t suspect anything.

But the risk of getting caught is too great, even though a part of him wishes to give in and have Vernon, or just someone, find him and tell him that everything’s going to be okay. But that’s too much, so he does what he’s been doing at night more often than not, and goes to the practice room alone, giving Seongcheol a quick warning before going out the door, before he can be questioned, and before he even hears a reply.


	2. fall into place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Each piece moves only under your own control, let them fall into place.

Soonyoung goes to the practice room at night, under the same excuse he’s been using for the past week, the same thing he’s been shouting his leader’s way before practically running out of the dorm- “I just have to work on the choreography more. I’ll be back soon!”

Once he connects his phone to the speaker and his playlist, titled “:)” to avoid suspicion should anyone go through his phone, is the only sound in the room, does he turn off the lights. He could be productive and work on their actual dances, but Soonyoung doesn’t want to set eyes on himself through the mirror, doesn’t want to worry over whether or not his moves are as sloppy as they say they are online, doesn’t want to see anything, doesn’t want to worry over anything. He just wants to feel like himself when he first started dancing, that first rush of pure bliss and amazement when he learned his first routine, got cheers for the first time, even if his first audience was his parents. Soonyoung needed to chase that feeling again.

So he dances, the lights off and door closed, so a lingering staff member this late at night won’t suspect that anyone’s there. Won’t interrupt the one thing he can hold onto right now.

And it’s not how his body looks when he dances, but it’s how he feels. Every movement in time to the beat, letting his body take over the jumbled thoughts in his brain. Because he doesn’t need to think, he just needs to dance.

Each move executed in the only way Soonyoung knows how it should feel, every spin and pop and twist of the arm and jump and landing perfect. He has perfected his dancing, and now it’s the one thing he can control. 

The music and his breathing are the only sounds he can hear, and he can make out shadows from the light produced in the lonely corner where his phone sits, and the hallway lights filtering in through the door. But it’s not enough to make the mirror visible.

He can feel the wind against his skin and his arm hairs and leg hairs, his movements so powerful and precise that he cuts through the air swiftly as if he’s a blade that’s flying, the feeling so empowering yet familiar that it’s his only comfort these days.

And the familiar ache he starts to get in his muscles and bones after it’s been enough is so common when he dances this late at night that the mild pain and discomfort comes as a comfort and pushes him to continue and not let up, this seeming weakness of his an intimate affair that should only be seen in the cover of this dark practice room, where it can’t be seen at all, his own version of a private breakdown, hidden from even his own eyes. It can only be felt, and the feeling is his, and his only.

The song changes and he adjusts himself according to the beat, this simple action being the only thing that tells him that he doesn’t have to do everything. Soonyoung lets the beat take over his body, just like it did when he was a child and first discovered dancing. Every movement just feels right.

The only difference, in his mind, to the past and present, is that he’s in more control now. Soonyoung grew up, and he no longer clumsily stumbles over his feet, no longer trips when a move seems too complicated, no longer loses his balance. From every leap to turn to flick of his wrist, every move is just how he wants it, just how he imagined it.

Dancing seems so perfect, like he can have control over everything for once, the same way he controls his body. It almIt almost seems dangerous. The sensation is too addicting for Soonyoung to ever feel like he should have a reason to stop. All he needs to do is move, dance, and let his mind stop working for a moment.

So he continues. He can feel the storm in his head start to calm, and he relishes in this feeling. Soonyoung has been dancing like this enough for the past couple of nights to already know every song that's going to play, and he doesn't focus on a single move he makes. Every night he dances, it's different, and he just lets the feeling take him away. 

Something about being able to move under no one's eyes, even his own, is just so comforting that before he came late at night the first time to do this on a whim, has he never felt this free. A voice in the back of his head and an ache in his heart reminds him that performing for Carats with his brothers gives him just as intoxicating of a rush, but it feels like it's been so long that the solitude of this practice room seems to be his only peace. And it's the closest he'll get to being far from expectations, no matter how much he loves the idol life. Because this is all it is, Soonyoung reminds himself while also trying to empty himself of thoughts. This is all just an escape, his way to cope without another soul knowing what goes on inside these four walls, what goes on inside his head. That's it. And the control he gets from it is enough to make him want more and more and more.

It seems like it was just mere moments, but based off of the song, Soonyoung knows that he's been dancing for over five hours. He programmed about six hours of music in, so he would still go back to the dorm before dawn, and he knows he should stop soon. His body starts to tire, and he suddenly wonders if he shouldn't have forgotten to bring water with him tonight. But the thought goes as quickly as it comes, and he lies down instead.

All Soonyoung can focus on is how scratchy his throat feels, how tired his muscles are, how his body seems to crave a nap. Or maybe he should've just gone to sleep. Or he should've at least stretched first, because he can feel the strain is more than usual. Soonyoung doesn't really care. He can't bring himself to. He doesn't seem to care about a whole lot except how to draw out this feeling and make it last. He likes how nice it is to be this exhausted, because maybe that means he did work. He did something useful. This feeling of pain- can he even call it pain? Maybe it's more like extreme discomfort that is endurable, and he shouldn't complain. He wants it. He just lets himself lay there, until the last song ends, and he forces himself to go back to the dorm.


	3. right under noses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You think you're being so slick, able to hide everything right under their noses?

Soonyoung gets back to the dorm an hour before the sun rises, and is grateful that no one seems to have woken up by the sound of the door. Not wanting to risk waking up Vernon, he plops himself on the couch, and lets himself fall asleep after his body has been practically begging for it.

But it doesn’t seem to last long. “Hyung! Hyung! Can you even hear me? We have to go to practice!” Seokmin says, slapping at Soonyoung’s face to get him to wake up. 

“Did you sleep out here?” Vernon asks, and Soonyoung is now awake enough to see that everyone is gathered in the living room, looking ready to leave. When did that happen? He thought that he closed his eyes a minute ago.

“Nothing to worry about, Vernon-ah,” Soonyoung answers his roommate, “I just came back really late at night, but I did sleep.” Technically not a lie. “And I woke up early, so I went out to take a walk, but I guess I was still tired because I crashed here,” he continues, trying to laugh it off. 

And Soonyoung is okay with that, because it’s not like he outright lied to his dongsaeng. No, it’s more like a little fib, so he wouldn’t have to worry. Soonyoung doesn’t know if he could handle that right now. If he’s the weak link to Seventeen, then that’s a separate problem, one he could solve. But bringing his brothers down with him? He couldn’t- wouldn’t- do that. And a small part of him, the same voice that scolded him for being a hypocrite, is also questioning where this twisted line of logic came from, but he doesn’t have it in himself to answer.

Vernon looks like he wants to say something, and to Soonyoung’s relief, he doesn’t get a chance. Seungcheol ushers everyone out of the dorm with a text from their manager, and for a brief second, Soonyoung thinks that his late-night secret is safe, and there’ll be no more questioning. His hope is crushed, though, when he glances at his leader's face, and knows that he’ll have to answer something soon.

And frankly, he doesn’t know how he made it to the company. One moment, they were all walking out the door, and the next, they were walking through the doors to their practice room, ready to perfect their dances to their latest songs. And even if Minghao wants to question him about why he passed out in the car, he doesn’t question it. Soonyoung wonders why that disappoints him, if only just a little.

His moves are technically perfect, he and his members all know so, and they can't seem to find the justification to contradict this. Soonyoung's moves are still clean and accurate and precise and correct, but there's a fire that's missing. And he knows it. He can feel it. But no one brings it up, so he files the paranoia he feels from having their eyes on him a little bit more than usual under the fact that he barely slept.

When the manager is ready to drive everyone back to the dorm, Soongyoung doesn’t miss how Jihoon and Joshua usher everyone out the door, while Seongcheol and Jeonghan approach him.

“What’s up, hyungs?” he chooses to feign innocence.

“Where were you last night?” the leader questions.

“I told you, I came to the practice studio. I had choreography to work. And I crashed on the couch,” he says.

“Soonyoungie,” it’s Jeonghan this time that questions him. “The dances are all finished. Your work is done. You should be sleeping instead.”

“I was just working on it a little bit more,” Soonyoung grumbles, unsure if the foul taste in his mouth is from being questioned or all the lying. Probably both.

“Soonyoungie,” Jeonghan tries again.

“It’s really nothing, hyungs,” Soonyoung replies, “I was just a little tired. Now, let’s go before the kids decide to just leave us behind. Depending on how hungry they are, Joshua might just let them.”

Seungcheol wants to say something else, Soonyoung can tell, but he rushes out the door before either of them have a chance to say anything else.

And soon this becomes a routine, a habit, one that stretches out for months, when Soonyoung didn’t mean for it to happen. Really, he only felt the need to go out that first night, but then it stretched to a week, and then to a month, and he sees no harm in continuing. He doesn’t eat as much, sleep as much, which is fine- fans seem to like that he lost a few pounds, and makeup does wonders for his eyebags. But the more this consumes him, the deeper in his head he goes.

Except he’s careful. He’s been careful. He shortened his playlist a long time ago, makes sure to get back to the dorm earlier, doesn’t go out every night of the week. And he’s learned to lie better, too. Soonyoung can’t decide what’s worse- the guilt, the hypocrisy, the out-right lying- but he doesn’t want to stop.

Every night it continues, and Soonyoung has convinced himself that what he’s doing is alright, to the point that he thinks he’s being smart and healthy, like he’s doing self-therapy. And it feels like therapy for him, releasing all the stress he’s held in during the day, only to break down in the darkness at night. He thinks he’s doing fine.

It’s not like he’s curling up into a ball and crying. No, Soonyoung is bettering himself. He’s not working on official choreography, but he’s still dancing, moving, and any exercise has to be healthy, right? He electively decides to ignore the voice in his head that tells him it’s not because he’s slowly destroying himself, because he’s neglecting himself, because soon he’ll break down for real. 

And Soonyoung scoffs at that line of thought, able to acknowledge that he may have been breaking down all this time. But he’s able to take it in stride, to deal with it alone, and some part of him- the part that’s ignoring the logic he knows to be true- is proud of himself, proud that he’s going through it alone, that he’s independent, that he doesn’t have to burden the members anymore.

Every so often, his mind wanders back to his parents, how disappointed his dad would be if he found out what he’s doing, how sad his mom would be if she was able to see how miserable he’s become. Miserable? Well, Soonyoung supposes he’s lost whatever has made him so happy before, but he does well enough. Seventeen goes out on shows, and he’s still able to joke around. During practice, he focuses on the work side to avoid draining his energy, and he sleeps as soon as he gets to the dorm.

But the members can feel it. And he looks so tired all the time, as soon as the cameras go away, and they’ve been brushed off too many times to work up the courage to confront him again. They just let him sit to the side and rest. 

Soonyoung can feel their concerned stares, the hurt when he rejects their company, how much stress it must cause them, but he can’t seem to care. He feels like he’s protecting them from the larger picture, the one that’s expanded past antis criticising his dance, which felt like his only purpose on the team. He’s started listening to how selfish they think he is, for always having so many lines when some members barely get any, so he’s been subtle about requesting less and less from Jihoon. They’ve attacked his looks, but doing something drastic would definitely get attention, so he’s settled with avoiding mirrors and cameras as much as possible, and when his eye catches one, he can’t help but feel an immense amount of self-loathe for himself, how horrible it must be for others to have to look at him, too. An exhausting feat when he’s an idol, constantly surrounded by things that allow people to look at him.

And he’s been doing so well on his own, keeping away from his members. He has yet to lash out at anyone, merely giving up with a tired sigh, and fans seem to not suspect anything.

It’s been going on for so long, Soonyoung thought he could go on like this forever. Sure, every day was so tiring, but he ‘s getting through it, isn’t he? He’s handling it. He can feel his mind and resolve crumbling, but he’s held on for this long, who’s to say that he wouldn’t be able to for any longer? He’s fine.

It’s just, he never expected for his body to be the one to betray him. And he doesn’t expect to come home one night, just to see twelve people waiting for him when he walks through the door.


	4. broken and scattered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All these pieces, broken and scattered, yet you thought you could protect them from yourself.

Soonyoung can feel himself drag his own body up the stairs to get to their dorm, after he’s just been out at the practice room, under the guise of needing to re-record something for Jihoon. At least, that’s what he told Seungcheol. He thought the producer was still in his studio, that he could use the excuse. He hadn’t expected Jihoon to have come back home with their manager a mere twenty minutes after he left. 

Dread and regret filled his bones as he saw that the lights were on in the dorm. Dread from having to face them. The regret, though, Soonyoung can’t place the source for it. And he’s not sure why that seems worse. Because he’s wrestling between knowing that he shouldn’t have gone out and lied, or the fact that he’s been so careful for months that a little slip-up is going to be what gets himself caught.

Stepping through the door, Soonyoung is greeted with twelve faces- some angry, some sad, some just tired- none of them happy. Even Chan is there, despite the fact that it’s long past midnight, sitting next to Jeonghan on the couch, where both of them hold concerned looks on their faces.

“Where were you?” Seungcheol asks, voice tired and strained yet quiet, and Soonyoung almost wishes he could be yelled at. That could be explainable. But his leader just sounds so defeated, and he desperately wishes that he could never even have the ability to make him like that.

“I believe Seungcheol-hyung just asked you a question, Soonyoung,” Jihoon seethes, “because you weren’t at the studio. In fact, there was no need for you to be out tonight, so care to inform us where you were?!” Ah, there’s the anger.

“I’m an adult. I don’t need to explain myself to you,” Soonyoung hisses back with such malice, he wonders if he wanted to hear their anger so he wouldn’t be alone in his. Because all he feels is tired and miserable and dizzy from this night’s session in the dark practice room, and he can’t see straight. He should definitely find some water soon.

“How dare you disrespect your hyungs like that!” Jeonghan yells at him. Soonyoung notices how Chan, along with a few of the other kids, winces from their volume.

“What is this? An intervention? Because I’m fine!” Soonyoung shouts right back. “Maybe you should pay more attention to kids, they look like they’ll fall asleep any second. For declaring yourselves as mom and dad, you sure are crap at it.” He can see a few members open their mouths in shock at Soonyoung, and frankly, he’s shocked as well, but no one makes a move. Minghao looks like he wants to say something, but he’s holding onto Seokmin, Seungkwan is frozen in shock, Vernon is holding Chan from his other side, Mingyu is burning in anger, Wonwoo has become even more stone-faced, Jun looks like he wants to reach out but is scared to, Joshua has never looked so mad, and Jihoon is about ready to punch him. Yet Soonyoung has decided that he’s gone too far to suddenly back down.

“No,” Seungcheol speaks up into the silence, “we aren’t your parents. But we’re your hyungs, and we care for you. Take this as you will, Soonyoung-ah, whether it be an intervention, or just your concerned brothers looking out for you, but we’re just worried. We would like to know where you were, because for hours tonight, no one could get a hold of you. And that scares us. You’ve seemed to be out of it for a while now, and that scares us, because we care.” Soonyoung scoffs. He’s not sure what else to do, not sure whether to believe them or not. They all watch as he stumbles towards the kitchen, wanting to finally get a cup of water, but he’s stopped. Wonwoo grabs his arm, eyes unreadable.

“Soonyoungie,” Jeonghan says, voice much more tired, matching Seungcheol’s. “Yes, the kids are tired. If you haven’t noticed, we all are, but we deserve an explanation.”

“Why s-should I tell you?!” Soonyoung snaps again, and inwardly curses with how his voice trembles.

“Because we’re your brothers!” Wonwoo shouts in his face, and Soonyoung briefly wonders how long those tears have sat in his eyes. “Because when Jihoon came home, and there was no sign of you, we looked everywhere around the company building, for you! And you weren’t there! You weren’t there.”

“Wonwoo, I-” Soonyoung starts, suddenly looking like a deer caught in headlights. Jun grabs Wonwoo’s hand, and gently leads him to sit down, holding the slightly younger in his arms.

“Start speaking,” Jihoon says, much calmer, but eyes just as hard.

“I-I don’t want to say,” Soonyoung says, shame rushing over him. He’s lied to his brothers for so long, and he suddenly can’t anymore, but he doesn’t want to speak the truth, either.

“Soonyoung-ah, it’s not just today. Multiple times a week, you tell me you’re going out at night, and we get the same excuse every time. You’re not in Woozi’s studio, and the company is practically empty at that time of night. Vernon’s noticed that you barely seem to sleep in your room anymore. You’ve grown distant, and we want to make sure you’re okay,” Seungcheol informs him, voice even. Soonyoung wishes he wasn’t acting so fair right now. Maybe then, it’d ease his guilt a little.

“I was at the company,” Soonyoung lamely says, looking around the room, avoiding eye contact with everyone.

“Don’t fucking lie!” Jihoon snaps.

Soonyoung wants to say that he isn’t, because for once, that’s not a lie, but everything else might as well have been, so he just runs- well, stumbles is more accurate- out the room, opting to hide in the closet of his bedroom. He can hear their leader sigh, apologize to everyone- even though Soonyoung wants to tell him to not blame himself, and everything is alright. Everything will be alright, because he’s fixing himself for the team, so fans will like him again, so he won’t burden them anymore- except he feels like a coward. Jeonghan and Jun drag everyone to their beds- he can hear Seungkwan tell Vernon to room with him for the night- and he can hear Jihoon comfort Seungcheol.

He knows he royally screwed up, in ways that don’t even make sense to him, but he tells himself that he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about anything anymore.

What Soonyoung doesn’t know- or doesn’t want to acknowledge that he knows- is the fact that he hasn’t stopped crying now that he’s finally alone again, and all he feels is ugly. He’s too heartbroken to be angry at his members, because he knows that he’s in the wrong, he’s felt that way for months, but he doesn’t want to stop. The darkness is lonely, and he thinks that maybe he just destroyed Hoshi, when in fact, this was a running train waiting to crash off the rail for months.


	5. a crack in the armour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you've tried so hard for so long to stay strong, you don't even realize everything's breaking, starting from that first crack in your armour.

A knock is heard on the bedroom door that Soonyoung usually shares with Vernon, but a voice appears that he doesn’t suspect.

“Soonyoung-ah? It’s Shua-hyung. Can I come in?” he asks, but Soonyoung wills himself to fall silent and wait for him to leave. 

“Soonyoung, I’m not mad at you,” Joshua tries again, “I think everyone’s just a little stressed, and I wanted to check in on you. You can’t pretend like I’m not here and that you’re okay, when both things obviously aren’t true.”

And Soonyoung can feel new tears fall at those words. Maybe all he wants is for one of his hyungs to wrap him up in a hug, and tell him that things will work out, but he doesn’t forget the flash of anger he saw on their faces, on Joshua’s face. And if they all would just leave him be, and give the nights to himself, he could fix himself without any help. All he needs is the night. Why can’t they just leave him alone for the night? He never asked for anyone to do any of this.

Joshua sighs after hearing no response, and opens the door. “Soonyoung-ah, I’m coming in,” is all he says in warning.

The older turns the light on in the room, and walks straight towards the closet once he sees that the beds are empty. “Soonyoung, what are you doing down there?” he asks, before plopping down to sit next to him on the floor.

Joshua has a gentle smile now, Soonyoung notices before he looks away, eyes trained to the piece of lint stuck on the sleeve of one of his sweaters. 

“I know I’m not the best one at this, but Cheol and Hannie are a bit out of it right now. I think all the kids are just really tired. Heck, even Junnie or Wonu-ah would be better than me, don’t you think? But I just didn’t want to leave you alone tonight,” Joshua speaks into the silence.

“C-can’t… can’t you just leave me alone?” Soonyoung asks through his tears. "Leave! Leave! Get out! I don't want you here!" he starts to freak out. He can hear the elder give a deep sigh after sitting with him for a while, before getting up to leave.

“Alright, sleep well,” Joshua says, exhaustion evident in his own voice. Soonyoung wishes he wouldn’t have given up so easily.

And he stays there, crying for what feels like hours. Soonyoung had originally clinged onto one of his tiger plushies, his mind briefly supplies that Minghao had gotten it for him even after he had acted annoyed at all the “horanghae” he does, but then he tosses it aside, disgusted with himself. Gosh, Soonyoung can’t even imagine how ugly he must be right now. How puffy his eyes must be. How swollen his face must look. How incredibly childish he’s being.

He wishes that the tears would tire him, and he would just fall asleep, but his mind is running too much. Even when he tries to think about nothing, it’s like someone turned on a second tv in his mind to display to him how horrified all his members were. At him. Because of him. The guilt is clawing away at his chest, warning him that what he’s about to do isn’t even remotely close to what he wants, or what will help, but he doesn’t care. None of his members would look at him anymore, so what difference does it make if he completely falls off the cliff?

Soonyoung is thankful when he sees that no one is awake, and he easily slips out of their dorm without getting caught. The walk to the company is dreadful, but he keeps his hood up and his cap down, and avoids people as best he can. He enters the company with a key he swiped from one of their staff members, and goes in through a back door, finding the floor with practice rooms.

And he repeats his nightly ritual. The door is shut closed, the lights are off, his phone is plugged into the speaker, and he starts. But Soonyoung’s body can’t move the way he wishes it would. 

His eyes hurt, so he shuts them closed, but he can still see the pulsing of his vision dotting in and out. His head hurts, and he wonders if someone messed with the speaker to make the sound so muffled. It’s frustrating. He forces his body to move so much that he can no longer feel how exhausted it is, and still he’s angry at how ugly he feels. Because if he couldn’t see the damage before, he can feel it now.

Each step feels clumsy, wobbly, and he definitely stumbles when he moves to wipe some sweat from out of his eyes. Or maybe those were tears. Can’t tell. Two too mixed together.

He’s disgusted. He can feel fat on his body touch his skin when he moves, and cries out at the fact that hurting himself is still not enough. He can starve himself, and he’ll still be an ugly speck of fat for people to scrutinize. It’s not enough. He’s not pretty enough. Well, he was never the prettiest one in the group anyways, and would gladly give that title to his Junnie or his Jeonghannie-hyung, but in a group of stunning men, he feels like the thorn people are forced to go through to reach the flower. He’s not impressive enough. Carats would prefer literally anyone else to take his position in Seventeen. Chan is a brilliant choreographer, and Soonyoung couldn’t be prouder, but what if they realize that they only need Chan and kick him out instead? No, Soonyoung just needs to work hard. If he works hard, he can be better, make Seventeen better. But maybe he’s too much. He’s supposed to be a dancer, what’s he doing getting as many lines as he still does? He knows his other members deserve more appreciation than him. Literally any of them are more deserving than him. Soonyoung has never hated himself more.

But he’s supposed to be dealing with it. And he is, right? Because all he needs to do is lay out all his heartache in the dark where he’s the only keeper of his secrets, where he can find release and keep all the dark still trapped in his mind. It’s lonely, and it’s shattering him from the inside, but it’s how he’s dealing. He can do it, he has to be strong enough to. Soonyoung has no other choice.

He jumps because he wants to land with some sort of power, to prove that he still has power, but he can’t tell where he went wrong. One brief movement he was in the air, and then he’s writhing on the floor in pain the next.

He can feel the burn in his hip, and welcomes it. Maybe this means he’s finally done enough for the night. But some part of Soonyoung is screaming at him, banging at the walls of his mind for that part to finally be let out and able to take over, but it’s too loud for him to want to listen to. 

He’s familiar with this type of pain. Soonyoung has dislocated joints countless times, and knows how to pop every limb back to get it to heal correctly. He knows how to pop his hip back in, so his leg can rest and he can go back to dancing, but he’s just too tired. He wants to be left alone. He wants to rot by himself. There’s nothing left for him anyways. There’s nothing for him at all.

As he fights his tired mind, Soonyoung doesn’t know what scares him more- the fact that he’s convinced he can disappear and none of his members would no longer care, or the fact that he wants to. 

He’s so tired, and he’s done a lot. Maybe he should’ve done more. But he’s done. He wants to be done. He had a few good moments, and now he just wants to be done.

_ Finally. _

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, y'all! I'm so happy you're here! :D
> 
> If you enjoyed reading this, I'd appreciate it if you left a comment or kudos! >~<  
> Don't be shy to comment literally anything! (No promise that I won't have a dry response because I'm awkward, but comments legit brighten my day. Also, please be kind humans.) >3<  
> And if you love Hoshi and SVT (and kpop in general because I'm a multistan) like moi, I have a Tumblr (talluvx) if you want to chat. If not on Tumblr, I'm always available to talk about anything on my email talluvx@gmail.com (I consider myself great with advice and chatting in general and I'm lonely rip). :P
> 
> Thanks for enjoying thus far! :)
> 
> Love, Talie <3


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